Thursday, November 11, 2010

Not going down without a fight...

Once again I find myself brooding over the topic of breastfeeding. It's looking like I will be having to throw in the towel sooner than I would like.

Breastfeeding has been an uphill battle for me from day one. I've been so envious of those mamas who have more milk than they know what to do with. I'd even be happy being one of those who just makes enough to feed her child on breastmilk alone. I've tried everything I could think of. I've spoken with lactation consultants, sought advice from local LLL meetings, breast compression/manual expression, using a hand pump, using a hospital grade double electric pump, nursing on demand, blessed thistle, fenugreek ((oh boy was it interesting smelling like maple syrup!)) and I was even taking domperidone. Nothing worked. I did see an improvement in my output on the domperidone, but I really can't afford to keep buying it. I've at least gotten over the feeling like a bad mom for formula feeding, but I'm not happy knowing my nursing days are numbered. Let me take a moment to add that I don't necessarily believe that formula-feeding moms are bad moms in general. It's more of a personal thing. I wanted so badly to EBF that the formula feels like a failure to me personally.

I'm still producing milk, but gone are the mornings of waking up with big wet spots and I don't remember the last time I felt full. Honestly it makes me said. It doesn't help when I come home from work some nights and find the Frog down for the night. I can't pump it off because pumping has just never worked for me. It seems like every day is a little less. It's even gotten to where when the Frog fusses for something to eat, he refuses the breast altogether until he has a bottle to fill up his tummy and then he might nurse himself into a nap. I know at this rate I will dry up soon, but I'm going to milk it for all it's worth, no pun intended.

When I have my moments of being depressed about being in the twilight of my nursing period, I have recently been trying to divert my attention to looking forward to making my own organic baby foods. In fact, just tonight I told DBF that for Christmas I would like a food processor or something so that I can make baby food. I'm in no rush to get him on solids, but I think he might be ready before I am! So that'll be my new project to add in with my babywearing and cloth diapering endeavors... making my own babyfood. In the meantime I'm going to enjoy every single time I get to sit down with the Frog and nurse as I finally accept that it's nearly time to bid a fond farewell.


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